Can my monday get any crappier?

At this very moment, im bawling my eyes out=( i seem to always managed to screw even the bestest thing up. everything, anything, anywhere and anytime. Maybe like wad i was told today, i rlly do not have common sense. And maybe, im a letdown too.

Good job Jess. U sure got an A in screwing things up. U surely deserve everything that happen today.

3 months and 17 days.

This shall be my 21st birthday "cakes"=)

And the color theme will be black, preferably not more than 10 attendees. Im still on a lookout for an elegant yet casual dining restaurant, a private room will be a plus. But most importantly, THEY MUST HAVE MY DESIGNATED CUPCAKES!

For those who know me will prolly know that i dont fancy big party, a cozy small gathering is what i prefer.

*STRICTLY no sex toy for present as i had that for my 18th bdae if you haven alrdy know.

Cranky

Throbbing headache, fainting spell, cold sweating and period cramps, the most AWESOME combination! Appetite level is practically non existing=(

So im not exactly in the best mood to entertain.

I know and i get it but...

I know they are concerned and i know they are worried about me walking down the same path again. I know and i understand. Because i myself is afraid too. And i know that letting go is gonna hurt badly when the time comes. But you know wad, i dont care bout the hurting part cos what else can hurt more after *d case? All i need are some crying shoulders and listening ears when the time come. And for now, just wish me the best and yeah. thats all i need. They need to understand that they cant protect me from this forever..

Independent as i can be, i still do crave being dependent on someone.

And fyi. I am me, i am Jessamine Then Pei Wen, i am no her. So for god sake.. just stop.

Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it Wouldn't it be nice

Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby

Unless he's all yours, he's still hers.

Occasionally, or rather frequently, I find it so hard to look at him in the eyes, knowing that he looked at her with those same eyes, same smile. And everything he say to me and the way he kisses me... he did the same with her.

It's just that I really let myself fall for him...which was stupid, because I knew the outcome. After all, its too much pain to love a man you have to share. When people ask me what I see in him, I don't know what to tell them, cause honestly: I don't know. He just makes me want to lose myself in his arms, its magical.

He is something between a miracle and an impossible. And for once, i wan to witness a miracle.

Under all the glitz and glamor, im still a simple girl looking for love.

"It’s easy to get caught up in the details and not see the light at the end of the tunnel."

Time and again, i allow my emotions to overpower my mind even when people around me who really do care are constantly reminding that i should leave the situation that will eventually bring me pain, but i choose not to listen to anyone. Many people have told me ""it is easier said than done." I don't think so! When we are in any situation where we can see no apparent opportunity of growth in that relationship, but we choose to stay anyway even though we are being hurt in the process..

oxymoron? Idk

Maybe its due to past experiences, I think that I now am afraid of being love or loving someone.
I'm insecure, cold, and afraid of happiness, sometimes I think i deserve so much more. I once joked to my friends that I only date assholes, and need "a guy that will hit back".

The parents' broken r/s destroyed me.. therefore I am condemned to a life with terrible r/s.

Moving on

...is hard. Even if it's a lost cause, even if there's nothing you can do to salvage the situation, for some reason it's next to impossible to just leave everything behind and start afresh. So what if the bad outshines the good? There's still that little something that's making you cling onto the past for dear life.

2 yrs to move on from my past. what about now? Same triangle, same feeling, same pain.

I once told my friend, *d will always have a part of my heart. even 10 or 50 yrs down to road. Question is can one truly move on?

Into each life some rain must fall.

The better you learn to take care of yourself, the less you settle for being around people who can’t or won’t treat you as well as you’re accustomed.

The past is still haunting.

I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you, how cute you look when you smile, how much I love your laugh. I daydream about you off & on, replaying pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that you said or did. I've memorized your face and the way that you look at me. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine.

But at the end of the day, love is all about taking the leap of faith isnt it?